Birthday blues....

I'm getting old. Yes I'm in my 20's. Yes I'm only turning 27 which is nothing in the grand scheme of things (I hope anyway). But somehow I feel OLD. Its only 3 years until I'm 30 which seems to be the age I had set to accomplish many of my life goals. Three years to start a family, have a highly successful career, make six figures, travel the world, and really just overall become a wise, poised, graceful adult. Some of my random goals (make six figures) are arbitrary and actually not far from my reach. But really, I feel pretty far from becoming the effortless, intelligent person that I thought thirty came with. My career is not quite where I want it to be. I like my job occasionally and sometimes I feel challenged by it. Is it a career and what I want to do with the rest of my life? No way. I had grand dreams of changing the world with my public health degree and instead I'm helping hospitals become more efficient. Still a positive in the healthcare world but not quite working on world hunger.

My husband has also been pushing for starting a family. He wants a baby yesterday. Realistically once I start having kids, where is my career going to fit? I don't think I could be a stay at home mom permanently but I think when my kids are little I'll want to be at home. I could be out of the workplace for a few years. What job opportunities will be there when I'm ready to come back? I don't know if I could have a job like mine part-time either.

Aside from the job worries, am I ready to be responsible for another human being? Its a little terrifying for me to even think about. Part of it has to do with just worrying about if I'll be a good parent. Me and my brothers all turned out SO different and struggled with very different things in life. One of my brothers is battling schizophrenia and anger issues combined with unfounded entitlement. He has no job, no goals in life, continually blames other people for his misfortune and my parents still pay for everything with him. My other brother battled with drug and alcohol addiction for almost a decade before turning his life around. And my other brother became a spinal surgeon. What a crap shoot life is. Is it my parents fault that we all turned out differently or just our personalities/personal preferences that made things so different? Maybe a combination of the two. But when I think about having my own kids or look at my adorable, innocent nieces, I can't imagine them dealing with mental illness, drug addiction and the likes. I don't want them to even think about much less experience anything like it.

I'm slowly realizing that we can't really plan out life and trying to calm myself down before I decide I need to move across the world and never have any children for fear they will end up screwed up. Its a silly thing to think that by the time you are 30, your life will be perfect. But its a great way to take some time to review what your life has become and where its going.

My new potential ideas/goals:

- Volunteer more and get more involved in the grassroots organizations that drove me to get my MPH.

- Career wise, take a serious look at where I'm going and potentially start an event planning business that might be able to work when we decide to have kids.

- As for starting a family, I hear that something just turns on inside of you and you are ready one day. For now, I'll comfort myself with that and say that when I'm ready for babies, I'll just know.

- Calm down, relax and enjoy life.

Birthday blues....