Visit Erin Gates' original post to see the left brained description. Which one are you? Does your career/life compliment your brain tendencies?
March 10, 2011
Definitely on the Right
One of my favorite blogs Elements of Style featured the most beautiful Mercedes ad and I couldn't resist re-posting some of the images. I am definitely a right brained girl and love creativity, feeling and art in any shape or form. I feel everything and agonize over everything. I am not practical, in control, or analytical so I don't know how I got into a job that forces me to be more left brained. I think in some ways the need to be more left brained has balanced my free spirited wishy washy ways and pushes me to see and understand different perspectives. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if I wouldn't be more successful and happy if I embraced my natural tendencies.
Visit Erin Gates' original post to see the left brained description. Which one are you? Does your career/life compliment your brain tendencies?
Visit Erin Gates' original post to see the left brained description. Which one are you? Does your career/life compliment your brain tendencies?
March 7, 2011
Where did February go?
First things first, I suck at keeping up with my blog. Lots has happened in the past month though....
House
We found a house, made an offer and it was accepted!!! Yay. After a few hurdles, we have officially signed a purchase and sale and are on our way to being the owners of an actual home! It will be kind of a shock to have no one living above or below us, more than one bathroom, a garage and for the first time in 10 years not be living in the middle of a big city. Granted, we are only 7 miles from Boston but with the traffic and roads here, that's about a 20 minute drive. Our official move to suburbia won't really change that much because to be honest I drive everywhere and rarely take the train downtown. My husband however can't walk to work anymore which means we have to buy a new car too. This is the most money I've ever spent in my entire life and the first time I will be owning a car (I never needed on in Boston or NYC and the one I drive now is officially my husbands) and property (current condo was my husbands before we got married).
Baby
So now that we've got a 4 bedroom house, its time to fill it with a baby or two. The trying to conceive game continues and I was loving Carly's post on the dreaded two week wait. The husband is in DC for the month so who knows how long this annoying little dance will be. I'm not going to lie, its been tough watching everyone around me get preggers in no time at all. The jealous, frustrated and angry part of me came out for a while and was just bitter about everything. I am getting over it though and realize that things happen for people at different times. You can't rush something as good as a baby and when we do have a baby it'll be extra special for us. Plus I still get to do things like indulge in wine, drink coffee, eat sushi and have some turkey sandwiches while I am at it. I know I'd give up all those things in a heartbeat for a baby but I am trying to stay positive after some very comforting advice from Shortie. Although Our Little Haus is no longer, Shortie recently started a new blog about trying to conceive, how to get pregnant and pregnancy after loss that is already one of my favorite blogs to read.
House, baby and work have been taking over life. Oh and the travel for work is getting OLD. I spent a week in San Diego last month which I know is annoying to complain about. But don't worry, it was rapidly followed up by a week long trip to rural Minnesota. Yup Minnesota in February is just no bueno. Can't switch jobs until we move to the new house though so to try and keep myself more calm and take charge of my health (the scale at the doctors office was a slap in the face!), I took a hot yoga class with my friends last night. It was hot and sweaty but very relaxing. Hey, if my friend's husband can do it and be all flexible then so can I.
Anyway, that's whats been going on with me lately. I've gotta think of a new name for a blog soon and I think make the transition over to wordpress. Any suggestions of names would be great since I don't think I want to start a blog called Life on (new street name).
House
We found a house, made an offer and it was accepted!!! Yay. After a few hurdles, we have officially signed a purchase and sale and are on our way to being the owners of an actual home! It will be kind of a shock to have no one living above or below us, more than one bathroom, a garage and for the first time in 10 years not be living in the middle of a big city. Granted, we are only 7 miles from Boston but with the traffic and roads here, that's about a 20 minute drive. Our official move to suburbia won't really change that much because to be honest I drive everywhere and rarely take the train downtown. My husband however can't walk to work anymore which means we have to buy a new car too. This is the most money I've ever spent in my entire life and the first time I will be owning a car (I never needed on in Boston or NYC and the one I drive now is officially my husbands) and property (current condo was my husbands before we got married).
Baby
So now that we've got a 4 bedroom house, its time to fill it with a baby or two. The trying to conceive game continues and I was loving Carly's post on the dreaded two week wait. The husband is in DC for the month so who knows how long this annoying little dance will be. I'm not going to lie, its been tough watching everyone around me get preggers in no time at all. The jealous, frustrated and angry part of me came out for a while and was just bitter about everything. I am getting over it though and realize that things happen for people at different times. You can't rush something as good as a baby and when we do have a baby it'll be extra special for us. Plus I still get to do things like indulge in wine, drink coffee, eat sushi and have some turkey sandwiches while I am at it. I know I'd give up all those things in a heartbeat for a baby but I am trying to stay positive after some very comforting advice from Shortie. Although Our Little Haus is no longer, Shortie recently started a new blog about trying to conceive, how to get pregnant and pregnancy after loss that is already one of my favorite blogs to read.
House, baby and work have been taking over life. Oh and the travel for work is getting OLD. I spent a week in San Diego last month which I know is annoying to complain about. But don't worry, it was rapidly followed up by a week long trip to rural Minnesota. Yup Minnesota in February is just no bueno. Can't switch jobs until we move to the new house though so to try and keep myself more calm and take charge of my health (the scale at the doctors office was a slap in the face!), I took a hot yoga class with my friends last night. It was hot and sweaty but very relaxing. Hey, if my friend's husband can do it and be all flexible then so can I.
Anyway, that's whats been going on with me lately. I've gotta think of a new name for a blog soon and I think make the transition over to wordpress. Any suggestions of names would be great since I don't think I want to start a blog called Life on (new street name).
February 4, 2011
First There's Sour, Then There's Sweet
I'd rather just take the sweet I've decided. Its been a crazy week of highs and lows and though I can't get into the details just yet I had a great reminder this week of the things that are actually important in life. Family, friends, and love.
I keep seeing these sour patch kids commercials (hence the title of this post) and this one is my favorite so far .Enjoy and hope you all have great weekends!
I keep seeing these sour patch kids commercials (hence the title of this post) and this one is my favorite so far .Enjoy and hope you all have great weekends!
January 25, 2011
Women, Leadership and Success
I just found this video (see below) of Facebook's Chief Operating Office, Sheryl Sandburg, giving a talk on why we have too few women leaders. The statistics she provides on women in leadership positions is disappointing. As a woman in a challenging business environment who is also thinking about having kids soon, this video really hit home and made me feel inspired.
The key thoughts of her speech are:
1. Sit at the Table - She makes the point that women often underestimate themselves, attribute their success to outside factors and aren't as confident and self assured as men. She provides examples such as 57% of men negotiate their first salary out of college, while only 7% of women do the same. I know that I didn't negotiate my salary much with my first job and didn't at all with my second job. After discussions with my male coworkers (I happen to work with mostly men), they all said they really negotiated and weren't afraid to be rejected. A potentially costly lesson learned for myself. She also talks about how women who are driven can often be viewed in a negative light when compared to male counterparts. She references an Harvard Business School case study on a successful venture capitalist who happened be a woman (Heide Roizen) and how when the name was changed from Heide to Howard, the students at HBS perceived the success very differently. While I don't think that women are always perceived in a negative light when they push to be successful and are competitive, I do think it happens fairly often. It may be subconscious on some level, but I've been in many situations over the years where I've seen this type of behavior. Where men and women behave in similar manners and the woman's actions and speech are considered "bitchy" and "pushy" while men are considered "authoritative" and "no nonsense". I put those in quotes because my coworker once actually said those things after a meeting and he's generally a very open and intelligent person. I don't think this is just the male perception either, I think women feel that way towards other women a lot of times.
2. Make Your Partner a Partner - Sandberg speaks of the common theme of women taking on "twice the amount of housework", and "three times the amount of childcare" compared to the man. She doesn't simplify the cause and doesn't deep dive into it but does talk about how as a society we put more pressure on boys to succeed than our girls. Also when men do decide to work from home, Mom's often don't know how to interact with them and tend to shun them. She encourages us to "make it as important a job to work inside the home for both genders if we are going to even things out and have women stay in workforce". I couldn't agree more with that sentiment. We don't even have kids now and I tend to feel pressure (self imposed) to do more of the household duties, to "take care" of my husband and the people around me and to keep a beautiful home. To clarify my husband helps out a lot around the house and I actually came home from work yesterday to find him cooking me a homemade Indian dinner AND he even did the dishes (we usually rotate - if you cook, the other cleans up)! Its honestly all in my head and I have to say that I do take pride and put pressure on myself to be a great cook and to maintain a clean and stylish home. Plus if stress relief weren't enough, Sandberg mentions that people with equal responsibilities and equal earning tend to have half the divorce rate and a better sex life.
3. Don't Leave Before You Leave - This final point emphasizes that women often tend to "lean back" and stop looking for a promotion and ways to get ahead when they think about/have a child. They start to wonder how they can fit taking care of a child into everything else they are doing and so they stop trying to get ahead in their career. I can honestly say that I have thought about that a lot lately. How could I possibly continue with my career when I travel so frequently and work such long hours? How can I scale back instead of how can I get ahead. Sandberg points out that the problem with this is that when you do have children, your job should be rewarding, challenging and make a difference. Otherwise you are less likely to come back or want to leave your kid(s) at home. Essentially the message is to just keep swimming or keep your foot on the gas pedal.
Watch the video below - I promise the 15 minutes is well worth your time...
The key thoughts of her speech are:
1. Sit at the Table - She makes the point that women often underestimate themselves, attribute their success to outside factors and aren't as confident and self assured as men. She provides examples such as 57% of men negotiate their first salary out of college, while only 7% of women do the same. I know that I didn't negotiate my salary much with my first job and didn't at all with my second job. After discussions with my male coworkers (I happen to work with mostly men), they all said they really negotiated and weren't afraid to be rejected. A potentially costly lesson learned for myself. She also talks about how women who are driven can often be viewed in a negative light when compared to male counterparts. She references an Harvard Business School case study on a successful venture capitalist who happened be a woman (Heide Roizen) and how when the name was changed from Heide to Howard, the students at HBS perceived the success very differently. While I don't think that women are always perceived in a negative light when they push to be successful and are competitive, I do think it happens fairly often. It may be subconscious on some level, but I've been in many situations over the years where I've seen this type of behavior. Where men and women behave in similar manners and the woman's actions and speech are considered "bitchy" and "pushy" while men are considered "authoritative" and "no nonsense". I put those in quotes because my coworker once actually said those things after a meeting and he's generally a very open and intelligent person. I don't think this is just the male perception either, I think women feel that way towards other women a lot of times.
2. Make Your Partner a Partner - Sandberg speaks of the common theme of women taking on "twice the amount of housework", and "three times the amount of childcare" compared to the man. She doesn't simplify the cause and doesn't deep dive into it but does talk about how as a society we put more pressure on boys to succeed than our girls. Also when men do decide to work from home, Mom's often don't know how to interact with them and tend to shun them. She encourages us to "make it as important a job to work inside the home for both genders if we are going to even things out and have women stay in workforce". I couldn't agree more with that sentiment. We don't even have kids now and I tend to feel pressure (self imposed) to do more of the household duties, to "take care" of my husband and the people around me and to keep a beautiful home. To clarify my husband helps out a lot around the house and I actually came home from work yesterday to find him cooking me a homemade Indian dinner AND he even did the dishes (we usually rotate - if you cook, the other cleans up)! Its honestly all in my head and I have to say that I do take pride and put pressure on myself to be a great cook and to maintain a clean and stylish home. Plus if stress relief weren't enough, Sandberg mentions that people with equal responsibilities and equal earning tend to have half the divorce rate and a better sex life.
3. Don't Leave Before You Leave - This final point emphasizes that women often tend to "lean back" and stop looking for a promotion and ways to get ahead when they think about/have a child. They start to wonder how they can fit taking care of a child into everything else they are doing and so they stop trying to get ahead in their career. I can honestly say that I have thought about that a lot lately. How could I possibly continue with my career when I travel so frequently and work such long hours? How can I scale back instead of how can I get ahead. Sandberg points out that the problem with this is that when you do have children, your job should be rewarding, challenging and make a difference. Otherwise you are less likely to come back or want to leave your kid(s) at home. Essentially the message is to just keep swimming or keep your foot on the gas pedal.
Watch the video below - I promise the 15 minutes is well worth your time...
January 24, 2011
Life on...
Lots of things have been happening and I just totally dropped the ball on reverb. No surprise there I guess. As soon as I told my friend, N, that I was gonna do it she couldn't stop laughing. She pointed out that I was traveling to Minnesota for work, coming back and leaving for Hawaii with 19 other family members for a week, then had friends visiting for new years and more friends staying for another week. Not to mention I was already behind a week. New goal - set realistic goals! Haha.
Also a huge thank you to all my readers who left such sweet comments about my last post. It felt strange putting so many personal things out there and all those comments made me feel so loved.
So the long absence was partly due to all the madness I mentioned up there. Hawaii was incredible and the first time my entire family (parents and all 3 brothers) have taken a trip together in about 15 years! New years was perfect and low key. We had our close friends from college over and just hung out, drank and played Spot It. Spot it is the BEST card game ever. It seems really simple and kinda silly but its so much fun to play (especially when drinking). I highly recommend picking it up. Also I made this ridiculous cake and it turned out perfectly! I skipped the raspberry filling and used extra chocolate ganache and topped with fresh raspberries instead.
The rest of January has been consumed with house hunting and after seeing 30-40ish pretty underwhelming houses we were excited to stumble a house we genuinely love. We are thinking about making an offer tonight, its a bit lower than the asking price but we don't think its unreasonable. Hopefully this blog won't be named Life on Minden at some point in the near future. Finding a place also means we need to get on the ball for selling our condo so we spent some of the weekend cleaning up and fixing up little things in our condo. I can't believe how much junk and how many clothes I've bought in the past 3.5 years. I gave away 2 garbage bags of clothes this weekend and a couple items still had tags on them. It made me feel so bad and wasteful! It was also pretty sad to see my itty bitty grad school jeans - I didn't even try to put them on.
I'm hoping for new home, new job and new baby this year! Hopefully 2011 delivers. I figure putting out all your wishes and thinking about them positively is the way to go...at least for now.
Less boring posts to come soon. Thanks again for all the love last month and sorry for my absence.
Also a huge thank you to all my readers who left such sweet comments about my last post. It felt strange putting so many personal things out there and all those comments made me feel so loved.
So the long absence was partly due to all the madness I mentioned up there. Hawaii was incredible and the first time my entire family (parents and all 3 brothers) have taken a trip together in about 15 years! New years was perfect and low key. We had our close friends from college over and just hung out, drank and played Spot It. Spot it is the BEST card game ever. It seems really simple and kinda silly but its so much fun to play (especially when drinking). I highly recommend picking it up. Also I made this ridiculous cake and it turned out perfectly! I skipped the raspberry filling and used extra chocolate ganache and topped with fresh raspberries instead.
The rest of January has been consumed with house hunting and after seeing 30-40ish pretty underwhelming houses we were excited to stumble a house we genuinely love. We are thinking about making an offer tonight, its a bit lower than the asking price but we don't think its unreasonable. Hopefully this blog won't be named Life on Minden at some point in the near future. Finding a place also means we need to get on the ball for selling our condo so we spent some of the weekend cleaning up and fixing up little things in our condo. I can't believe how much junk and how many clothes I've bought in the past 3.5 years. I gave away 2 garbage bags of clothes this weekend and a couple items still had tags on them. It made me feel so bad and wasteful! It was also pretty sad to see my itty bitty grad school jeans - I didn't even try to put them on.
I'm hoping for new home, new job and new baby this year! Hopefully 2011 delivers. I figure putting out all your wishes and thinking about them positively is the way to go...at least for now.
Less boring posts to come soon. Thanks again for all the love last month and sorry for my absence.
April 16, 2010
how do you love?
I'm reading Eat Pray Love and stumbled across this paragraph the other night that really caught my attention. I think it sums up a lot of who I am and how I love. Its not me perfectly, but I can definitely relate to it.
"I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain. I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else." - Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
I definitely have boundary issues. I definitely can find myself giving too much. I did this with my now husband back when we were in college. It was a very tumultuous and crazy time for us. Now I think I am so scared of being that way again, that I overcompensate by being too selfish sometimes.
How do you love?
February 12, 2010
excited for the weekend! (accurate but lame title post sorry)
I'm so happy its the weekend for so many reasons....
Lost! I'm obsessed. In a serious lapse of judgement (which happens often lately) I decided to start watching Lost. There are 23-25 one hour episodes in a season and 5 seasons! I'm ridiculous. I'm on season 3 if that tells you anything about how many Netflix Lost episodes I've watched.
To be fair though, I do other things when I'm watching them but I'll admit I have a problem.
Also, we are going to fancy romantic valentines day dinner at L'Espalier in Boston. This restaurant has amazing French food with an emphasis on New England ingredients. They have a vegetarian menu that tastes incredible (which is a big deal for high end restaurants) and the best cheese board I've ever tasted. They actually have a cheese program and fromager! I love me some cheese and their cheese is a mind blowing experience. It is crazy expensive so I'm excited for our rare little treat.
I bought tulips just for the heck of it at Trader Joes this week and they brighten up my day every time I see them. I love buying myself flowers. The pictures were taken with my phone so excuse the quality and the empty thing of sugar (me and my cookie baking).
And finally I convinced my husband to help me paint the kitchen this weekend and finally get some artwork on the walls of our "dining room". I'm thinking about a rich gold color to compliment the mocha color in our living room
Colors are Benjamin Moore
Any fun weekend plans?
January 19, 2010
gustoless
I'm feeling in a funk.
For a lot of reasons but mostly because I've been traveling a lot, working a lot, sleeping very little and seeing my husband even less.
For a lot of reasons but mostly because I've been traveling a lot, working a lot, sleeping very little and seeing my husband even less.
Its only 19 days into 2010 and I'm burnt out. I know there are a million things I could/should do to take control of my life and I'm just too tired. I've lost my gusto.
How do you deal with stress?
January 3, 2010
Resolutions and lots of rambling
Happy new year! I can't believe its 2010 already. 2009 flew by as does every other year and I can't stop thinking about all the things I want to start doing in the new year.
I think I want to add more to the list but this is what I've come up with so far. Can anyone share their new year resolutions? Any tips on how to actually keep on your goals?
I just got back from Sri Lanka and India and read a few books during those long almost 20 hour flights. One of the books I read was the "Julie and Julia" book which I'm sure you all have heard about (you all being the few readers I have (Sachin and Sangeetha)). If not, its about this woman Julie who decides to change her life and stick to something by cooking all 524 recipes in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. So to be totally obvious and lame, the book make me really want to be more creative and to actually spend my time doing things that could make me a happier and hopefully more productive person.
See my usual day goes down like this:
6:00am - Wake up very crankily. Try to snooze for a while and avoid actually waking up.
6:20am - Finally get in the shower, blow dry my hair, put on my makeup, figure out what I want to wear and grab something to eat in the car
7:30/8:00am - Leave for work. This departure time varies depending on how lazy and slow I'm feeling while getting ready
8:30am/9:00am - Arrive at work. God I hate my commute sometimes. At least if the drive was pretty it wouldn't be so bad, but driving to Raynham, MA is anything but.
5:00-6:00pm - Leave work.
6:00-7:00pm - Get home. Assuming I don't stop for groceries or to pick up my husband or get him dinner to drop off at the hospital while he's on call.
7:00pm-12:00am - Change immediately into sweat pants, cook dinner or heat up some lame frozen dinner. On rare occasions attempt to work out but usually just waste away on the couch while watching tv. Eventually I fall asleep on couch and then get irrationally and extremely pissed off when my husband tries to wake me up to take my contacts out and go to bed.
And repeat every day. Unless I'm traveling for work which happens about 2 weeks in a month. I'm a lazy lazy bum. The travel adds to my laziness. I just feel so tired by the time I get back from work that I cannot get myself to do anything. But its no excuse. I mean people have children and families to take care of when they get home from work and they manage that just fine. People actually DO things and don't just waste away in front of the tv.
So here are some things I'd like to start doing in 2010 with my life:
- Work out regularly at least 4 times a week for an hour at a time if possible. I think this means I'll have to do this right after work because I know I won't do it before work and if I come home and sit for even a minute I won't get up again.
- Eat healthy. Less cheese and chocolate.
- Lose weight. This goes together with #1 and #2. I'm seriously so uncomfortable in my own skin. I have some days where I feel great about how I look. I feel sexy and confident. But honestly, many many days I just feel like a fat monster. I know I'm not a fat monster but I could stand to lose 10-15 lbs. I'm short and I shouldn't weigh as much as I do. Plus I want to feel good about myself and look good in the ridiculous amount of clothes I have. My weight has gone up and down a lot in the past 10 years. I have weighed 20 lbs less than I weigh now and 15 lbs more than I weigh now. That's probably not healthy.
- Get creative. I used to take pictures, draw, paint and be generally artistic but I haven't done much in the past 2 years. I want to get back into drawing and painting. I also want to take some creative food classes - cake decorating, cooking, etc.
- Blog more and blog thoughtfully. I want to be more honest about the things I write and whats really on my mind. Sometimes I care too much about how others write or what they write about. I don't have a focused blog. I'm not all about fashion or work or art or weddings or anything. I'm all over the place and my interests vary widely. As a child I was in a million activities - piano, violin, swimming, dance, soccer, etc. I wasn't really exceptionally good at any of them. Probably because I didn't have a focus then. Either way, I think being involved in all sorts of things as a child has really shaped the way I am as an adult. Its also probably partially my personality. I get passionate about things but also bored very easily. I ramble. Long story short, from now on I will write on this blog for myself.
- Cook more and cook with variety. I want to eat a variety of food and stop making the same 5 things over and over. I want to cook different types of food and challenge myself. I also want to cook with goal #3 in mind.
November 3, 2009
Steve McCurry
July 29, 2009
Life Update
I apologize in advance to the few readers that are out there. This post is going to be totally disjointed.
- My blog has a new design thanks to the fantabulous Kelly from Blush !nk. I'll write more about it once the updates are fully finished but isn't she the most talented lady ever? She also did my friends blogs - You Wanna Talk Jive and I Groomzilla You Bride. Head over to her site to see more.
- I haven't posted in forever. I was thinking about it today and I haven't really been home for a weekend since May! We went to Miami, Virginia, Connecticut, Canada, NYC, So Cal, and then San Francisco. Technically I came back in between my two week California work trip, but it was a red eye that got in on Saturday and I left on Monday at 6am so I was exhausted and grouchy (bword) pants. That was a long sentence. Now we are debating heading to NYC this weekend for a friend's bday party and a grad school reunion BBQ. I really would love to see my friends but I'm not sure I can handle the travel. Especially since my friend is visiting the following weekend and one other weekend I'm going to another bachelorette party.
- The only good thing about all this travel is that it keeps my mind off the fact that all my friends have left Boston and I have no girlfriends left. My best friend got all fancy and married and left for the west coast so now I'm all alone with my husband and our one friend/current roommate. Current roommate/friend's fiance also happens to be one of my best friends though and she is moving here in November after they get married. So big YAY happy dance to that.
- I have yet to finish our thank you cards for our wedding that was 11 months ago. My mom will murder me if I let this go any longer. Must. Sit. And. Write. Cards. Not. Blog.
- I'm addicted to the show Weeds. Its AWESOME and I was so happy we have netflix so I could watch the past two seasons online instead of doing work for two days. Now I wish we had Showtime bad. Between Dexter, Weeds and True Blood I'm hooked.
- Its 89 degrees in our apartment and I'm debating painting the kitchen Friday if I don't have too much real work to do. I think I'm crazy
- We found a dead mouse this weekend :( I know I squealed and wanted to vomit all at the same time. Unfortunately it goes hand in hand with living in stupid Boston. I hate rodents and bugs. I wish they would all just leave me alone. I have wayyy to many mouse stories from my husband's old apartment and wayyy too many roach stories from my old apartment in NYC.Dead Mouse...get it?
- Applying for a new passport (card and book) tomorrow with my new name. The process was surprisingly easy. We booked our two week trip to India and Sri Lanka in December. I'm SO excited to finally be able to share Sri Lanka with someone :)
Goin to the Taj Mahal finally!
Colombo, Sri Lanka
Okay enough random babbling. I think I might do this once a week just to get out all the random things that are floating in my head. Sorry to anyone reading but maybe it'll help me get more organized. Maybe its totally pointless and I should just get a journal instead. Thoughts?
June 10, 2009
Birthday blues....
I'm getting old. Yes I'm in my 20's. Yes I'm only turning 27 which is nothing in the grand scheme of things (I hope anyway). But somehow I feel OLD. Its only 3 years until I'm 30 which seems to be the age I had set to accomplish many of my life goals. Three years to start a family, have a highly successful career, make six figures, travel the world, and really just overall become a wise, poised, graceful adult. Some of my random goals (make six figures) are arbitrary and actually not far from my reach. But really, I feel pretty far from becoming the effortless, intelligent person that I thought thirty came with. My career is not quite where I want it to be. I like my job occasionally and sometimes I feel challenged by it. Is it a career and what I want to do with the rest of my life? No way. I had grand dreams of changing the world with my public health degree and instead I'm helping hospitals become more efficient. Still a positive in the healthcare world but not quite working on world hunger.
My husband has also been pushing for starting a family. He wants a baby yesterday. Realistically once I start having kids, where is my career going to fit? I don't think I could be a stay at home mom permanently but I think when my kids are little I'll want to be at home. I could be out of the workplace for a few years. What job opportunities will be there when I'm ready to come back? I don't know if I could have a job like mine part-time either.
Aside from the job worries, am I ready to be responsible for another human being? Its a little terrifying for me to even think about. Part of it has to do with just worrying about if I'll be a good parent. Me and my brothers all turned out SO different and struggled with very different things in life. One of my brothers is battling schizophrenia and anger issues combined with unfounded entitlement. He has no job, no goals in life, continually blames other people for his misfortune and my parents still pay for everything with him. My other brother battled with drug and alcohol addiction for almost a decade before turning his life around. And my other brother became a spinal surgeon. What a crap shoot life is. Is it my parents fault that we all turned out differently or just our personalities/personal preferences that made things so different? Maybe a combination of the two. But when I think about having my own kids or look at my adorable, innocent nieces, I can't imagine them dealing with mental illness, drug addiction and the likes. I don't want them to even think about much less experience anything like it.
I'm slowly realizing that we can't really plan out life and trying to calm myself down before I decide I need to move across the world and never have any children for fear they will end up screwed up. Its a silly thing to think that by the time you are 30, your life will be perfect. But its a great way to take some time to review what your life has become and where its going.
My new potential ideas/goals:
- Volunteer more and get more involved in the grassroots organizations that drove me to get my MPH.
- Career wise, take a serious look at where I'm going and potentially start an event planning business that might be able to work when we decide to have kids.
- As for starting a family, I hear that something just turns on inside of you and you are ready one day. For now, I'll comfort myself with that and say that when I'm ready for babies, I'll just know.
- Calm down, relax and enjoy life.
June 4, 2009
God of War
I stayed up last night to finish reading God of War by Marisa Silver. It is a very beautifull written book - the kind that makes you feel exactly what the characters are feeling. The book is about a young boy who lives in the desert of California and how he struggles with growing up, responsibility to his family and his mentally ill brother. It left me feeling sad and very introspective about my own life and my siblings and parents.
I have three brothers and we have all become such different people with such different stories to be told. My oldest brother is almost a decade older than me. He left for college when I was only 8 years old so when I think back to my childhood he is this sort of distant figure that I idolized. He was much more like a father figure through my teen years, but as I get older the age gap is closing and we are on walking on the same level. He is the definition of the perfect son. He is a surgeon who makes a comfortable living for his wife and four children. He is the family rock, the go to person to deal with our many family crises. I used to almost resent his perfection because I felt I could never live up to it. Lately, I realize that he is burdened with a lot of responsibility that I do not envy.
Following perfection, is my brother who is dynamic, charismatic and very unpredicatable. His addictive personality led to problems with drugs which caused much turmoil for our family. He has recently turned his life around in the past two to three years and I admire his strength as he pushes through his daily struggles in the aftermath of his addiction. Especially in today's economic times, he is struggling without a bachelors degree and his past issues.
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